dear anon | one

Hey,

I really can’t thank you enough for all you did for me during my trip home. You went out of your way to do anything and everything you could, to make sure that I had the best time, with the best people, in the best country for the first time in two years. I didn’t expect you to make that much of an effort, I also didn’t expect us to fall for each other the way that did have.

I spent the last night of my twenties with you, and the last hours of my time in New Zealand with you – and while those two rather momentous occasions could have been spent with anyone – I went along with, and chose for them, to be with you. The night before my milestone birthday will forever be one of my favourite nights.

That trip to the airport on my last evening at home was riddled with so many emotions; from guilt and confusion, to excitement, from happiness and butterflies, to sadness – despite the rollercoaster going on in my head, heart and stomach, again, it meant so much to me.

The goodbye was hard – but I also felt myself breathe a small sigh of relief after I finally looked you in the eye and turned to run through departures. Don’t get me wrong, I adore you – I always have, I didn’t want to leave you – but with this new you and I, comes so many complications, risks – it would be a whole lot easier if my stomach didn’t flip each time I saw you or thought of you. When I landed at Heathrow, I was actually hoping that the out of sight out of mind mentality would kick in for the both of us.

No such luck huh. We were in contact constantly, not enjoying being apart, not enjoying the barriers that we faced – and we both know I’m not simply speaking the physical distance between us.

Those first few weeks apart were tough. So many unknowns, so many questions, so many obstacles – yet so many open, honest and real talks. I’m usually the first person to run away from my problems – and my feelings – but with you? It’s different. Your calm, logical, open and honest approach to me and to our situation makes me feel comfortable and confident in being open and honest back. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to have a million things whirling around inside my confused mind and you make me unafraid to speak them.

Thank you.

I know we both have steps to take, psychically, and emotionally, before we can even properly explore what we are and what we aren’t – and even though I know it’s right and it was my suggestion after all, speaking to you less over the past two weeks really doesn’t sit right.

I miss you.

bambi xo

distanced hearts club ♥

 

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