faith

I’ve been worried that I have lost my faith in men, in love, for a while now. To be honest, I genuinely have lost my faith in it all. I have accepted the single life, and honestly can’t see a future for me with anyone in it.

But I’m pretty good at keeping these things to myself.

Or so I thought.

I saw No-Name this weekend for this first time since our escape. I went along with a friend to watch her boyfriend, my friend, play rugby – and guess who happened to be making his debut in the firsts? Yup, No Name. Great, I haven’t seen him since we slept together and now here I am cheering him on at his game. #fangirl

Anyway, that night we were at the same party. In the wee hours of the next morning I overheard him repeatedly saying to my friend ‘I don’t know what to do, I’m no good at this” and eventually he turned to me and asked to talk to me outside.

The minute we were outside in the courtyard, he sat me down and lent over to kiss me. I pulled away questioning why I hadn’t heard from him since that night. In short, he didn’t hear from me so apparently that meant I didn’t want to hear from him again…but then the full story came out. An ex, who has broken his heart twice, showed up a third time and he couldn’t help but give it another go, or try to anyway. Turns out within this short few weeks since our adventure she reopened and deepened his wound – and it is all over again. He didn’t put himself out there with me as he realised that while he was entertaining the ghost of his past, he had potentially ruined something new. Yeh, I told him, he kinda has.

He looks and me dumbfounded, he claims I’ve changed, Im different now. That I used to be lighthearted, positive, happy and optimistic, that now it feels as though I’ve lost the faith.

It hits me – I ,ust have really have lost faith if even No Name has noticed. Sh*t. It’s worse than I thought.

He said we all come with baggage, even me, with Trouble – plus  that the boys have told him I am off-limits. He explains that sometimes you have to just close that old door properly, before you can entertain a the opening of a new door. I don’t reply much, I just sit there, listening to him. To be honest, half of me feels sorry for him – we’ve all been there – but the other half of me just feels second best and like I have heard it all before. He looks at me and tells me how romantic and fun he found the night we escaped. I look at him puzzled “romance isn’t really your thing though, is it”. It can be, he tells me.

He stands up in front of me, puts out his hand, asking for mine. “what are you doing?” I ask. “I’m showing you I can be romantic, dance with me”. We stand in the courtyard, at 3am, while everyone in the party can see us from inside, and slow dance. I’m a bit confused, I’m giggling but secretly I am loving this. This is one of the cutest things I have ever experienced. In hindsight, it’s probably because were drunk and high, but at the time, it is simply beautiful.

We’re interrupted and sit back down giggling at ourselves. Later, I explain the feeling of rejection after being the girl lying in bed the next morning, with no make up on and bed hair playing panda videos on youtube and not hearing from him. He looks down and proceeds to melt my heart – ‘that girl is amazing though, that’s the girl I want to hang out with. I only know the party girl with the hair and the lipstick, not the next morning girl who’s natural and funny and so easy to just chill with’.

Ugh. Talk about knowing how to make a girl’s heart flutter.

The outcome of the conversation? Nothing really. I stay at his that night, but we don’t sleep together. We cuddle, we kiss, he suffocates me with snuggling. He’s asleep, snoring but I can’t sleep. I order an uber and it says its 47 minutes away. I wake him up to tell him I have ordered a ride home and he asks what I’m doing but he’s glad he gets me for the next 47minutes at least. My phone beeps – it’s my ride. Shit! I exclaim, the uber is here! He opens his eyes to say a quick goodbye, “back to your castle then is it? Good bye” and we have a few quick kisses.

I’m not sold, I’m really not, but I am definitely in to him. He makes me laugh, he really makes me laugh. He’s not the perfect man, but there’s just something about him. There has been since the first time I met him, hasn’t there.

I message him on Facebook, explaining that I don’t have his number, I have a new phone and new number and gave him mine in case he wanted it. He replies telling me he too has a new number, and gives me his. but that’s it.

What’s a girl to do? Does she continue to lose all hope, have no faith, or does she get swept up with the excitement of the potential – nothing more than potential – of something new and message him?

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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