dear trouble | six

“Hey

It’s been a while since I wrote you. You see, I seem to have turned a page, chapter, leaf – what ever you want to call it – and I actually just want you out of my life now, sadly.

I used to think the world of you, I still remember it so clearly. Even when you hurt me so so badly, I still thought highly of you I would never speak ill of you and cherished the bond we shared. I believed you when you told me, screamed at me, repeated over and over how important I was to you, how much you always wanted me in your life, how I was more to you than just a girlfriend, or now ex girlfriend, how I was part of you and part of your life for good. I remember you saying to me, that Christmas night, with your arms on my shoulders to hold me and stop my body from the heaving from the tears, that you would never, never, do anything to hurt me, how it killed you to think of my upset. I believed you. I believed you with all my heart, every inch of it. Despite breaking my heart, I always thought you thought highly enough of me  too. I was under an illusion that you and I were different, that we had some sort of different connection to everyone else; that no matter what – we would always have a secret bond.

But now? Now the brainwash has worn off and you’re just somebody I used to know. Or, you should just be someone that I used to know.

Even after I found out about you and her, I still was civil, kind and caring. I told you I didn’t want to continue talking or fighting and that I just wanted us both to be happy. Do you know how much it killed me telling you I wanted you to be happy, knowing that that meant it was her, not me, making you happy? What was making you happy, was making me miserable. Yet I still put you and your happiness first and wished you the best.

So why the sudden cull? The night you turned up to my new place with beers, took me to dinner, took me to bar after bar and to a club. The night you talked to me about our sex life, our attraction. The night you talked to me about ‘the one’, timing, soul mates and marriage. The night you stayed at my house. Forgive me for being bind – but deep down I did assume you and her must be over.

You’d think I would’ve known better in the third year of knowing you…I should have anyway. You were still with her. You left my house, and no doubly took her out for breakfast – not me. I was left sitting on the couch with a crippling hangover and no mobile phone thanks to how drunk we got the night before.

While everything you touch in my life seems to turn to disaster, and everyone I meet seems to have some sort of connection to you, I no longer want to be a part of it. I no longer want you and I to be the link in the chain.

Photos of you and her on holiday, The Mould Breaker knowing you, you messing up your brother/one of my very best friends flights so that I wasn’t able to see him on his one day in London, you liking every and any thing to do with me on Facebook, you going to Ibiza with the Rugby Boy I met on Tinder, you still having your mail sent to my house, you not having saved my number since getting a new phone after that night, you making digs at me about not being your favourite person – it’s simply too much. I can’t do it anymore.

I’m sick of memories and stories I recall with friends including you. I’m sick of talking about you for no reason. I’m sick of stalking her, and you, on social media. I’m sick of having any form of feeling about you. Anger, sadness, hurt, excitement – all of it, I’m done.

It’s my own fault for letting this rule my head for so long. You don’t make it easy, but I could make it easier.

Good luck with her, I hope you don’t treat her the way you treated me, or have been treating her through your actions and words with me.

I’m saying goodbye this time, properly. We’re not different. We weren’t special. I was naive and gullible, falling hook, line and sinker for your charm.

You may have left me scarred and unable to deal with any form of emotion, scaring me away completely from anything more than three or four dates – but I’ll get there one day. I’ll meet someone I like enough to slowly let the wall down which you gave me the bricks and mortar to build , and I’ll be happy. Fingers crossed.

If not, I think this letter proves to you that I while I once loved you,

I now love me more”

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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