one step forward, two steps back

In classic Trouble fashion,  the minute I make my decision for the cull, I of course see him.

I went to one of my best friends bottomless brunches this weekend, and felt good. I had had a nights sleep after making my mental decision and woke up feeling refreshed. After unlimited prosecco an limited food, we headed to Notting Hill Carnival. With a mixture of multiple forms of alcohol and everything else going around at this hectic festival day, I was feeling on cloud nine. I really was. Then he arrived.

Trouble and I said a quick hello, quick hug, and from there not much was said.

We all jumped on the tube to go to the pub and I stupidly made comment about him messing his brothers flights up which stopped me from seeing him. Trouble looks at me, looks away looks back at me and snaps. He tells me he is sick of not feeling good enough around me, even when we were together he felt like that and is over it. That his bother knows this, his best friend knows this. He storms off back down the tube to sit in another carriage. I was left speechless. I really had no idea where it came from. Granted, I shouldn’t have said what I said, but it was said with a cheeky grin on my face and was nothing malicious.

For the rest of the night we were fine in each others company. We chatted, we hung out, he made comments about our relationship, about the past, about my parents and continued to snap the cigarettes I was drunkenly chain smoking out of my mouth so they were un-smoke’able.

I then realised how drunk I was and how I needed to get air, outside. I asked him to look after my things and i wandered down the road to sit in an empty bus stop. He came out five minutes later, found me, told me off for walking off alone and proceeded helped me throw up. He looked after me, comforted me and even called me our old pet name in the process. I was mortified. Here I was sitting in a curb on the side of the road being sick in front of the man who broke my heart. Not exactly how I pictured our first encounter to go following the last night we saw each other. But, after my friends came and found me, he left, and I haven’t heard a word from him since. Reality check; he doesn’t care anymore. Nor should – or do – I. I’m ashamed, I feel stupid and I feel like the person I portrayed last night around him couldn’t be further from the person I have become in the last three months of not seeing him.

I’ve gone back to the person that I realised i didn’t want to be when him and I last partied. I don’t want to be the crazily drunk party girl. I’m healthier than that. I have a more positive outlook on the world. I’m excelling in my career, i’m travelling the world, dating and making so many new friends. So why do I feel so small after seeing him, so insignificant and think less of myself. I hate the person I am when I’m around him – it’s not me. One the other hand, while I said I want him out of my life, why does it kill me to hear him snap at me and tell me he’s sick of not feeling good enough around me?

In all honesty, it still hurts that he is with her and that he has chosen to cut me out of his life, clearly. He hurt me, yet he still holds the power? I don’t understand why I still feel like this.

Why am I not over it?

Today I feel empty, recovering from the hangover probably doesn’t help but I genuinely feel the lowest I have felt in a long time.

Seeing him does nothing for me anymore, it makes me anxious at the time and low afterwards. I want to feel free when I see him and immediately afterward, not chained to the pain he inflicted upon me.

They say time heals all wounds, but it sure seems to taking it’s time with this one.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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