the old no longer exists


It took seven days, a date with the height liar and ignoring a pretty shitty message from Trouble at 11pm on a Saturday night, for me to finally wake up on Sunday and realise that it was time to confront the issue. Talking things out over the phone was never my intention, but cest la vie – so be it. We talked, we said nasty things, we said kind things – we came to a conclusion.

Rewind to the Sunday previous and I began to realise what I wanted and what I didn’t want.

What did I realise I wanted? I wanted the old Trouble and bambi.

What did I realise I didn’t want? The new Trouble and bambi; the one where Trouble had hurt bambi, where bambi had lost alot of respect, appreciation and awe for him. I didn’t want to be the bambi who was insecure, who was doubting myself – and him – all the time. Too much was flooding back for it to be healthy. Whether I believed that what I felt for him was right, strong and real – all the other feelings that were coming along with it were wrong. And I didn’t want to welcome them in to my life. Ever. 

I didn’t want to be back together him, not after all that had happened anyway. I was even considering what my feels actually were, what they meant. Were they just reignited old feelings, a classic soft spot you have for someone you once deeply cared for? Or were they real, raw feelings. If I didn’t want to act on them…what did that mean? Not enough to push forward with, is how I saw it.

The emotional side of me might still be connected to him but the logical isn’t. I couldn’t actually see us working things out. Too much had happened, too many old feelings had been resurfacing; distrust, confusion, worry. A round hole, square peg situation perhaps. The old Trouble and bambi no longer exist.

So we talked. Trouble wants to focus on himself, his career, his new London life. He doesn’t want to commit to anything or anyone – inevitably; me. He was also concerned- get this – that I was waiting around for him and holding on to ‘us’.

The. Cheek.

Actually Trouble, neither of those things ring true. Believe what you want, but what I have said to the friends I have spoken to about this, backed up by posts on here, prove that. Don’t they?!

In saying that, while I knew what I did and didn’t want it still hurt to hear that he didn’t want me or us – again. Whether he see’s it or not, he has been giving me the opposite impression of late. I’d be lying, and have been lying to myself and everyone else, that it hadn’t been affecting me, I am human after all – and female at that.

We decided that we’re not friends, we can’t be friends, we’ll never be just friends. We can’t hang out and to carry on the way we have been. Trouble and I are never going to be casual; feelings, chemistry and a bit of mess will always be there. Spending nights together, getting drunk and flirting, cuddling up watching movies in bed with red wine makes it all too easy for things to end up back in a place where we don’t want to be.

Thus, a step back from our friendship relationship, us – is our step forward.

Coming to a conclusion is so bitter sweet. I feel angry, sad, annoyed and ashamed, yet I also feel a huge sense of relief. The real life rom-com has ended up more like a modern fairy tale. There’s no happy ending for the troublesome two, but you know what…? I think it might just be the beginning of my very own happy ending.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥


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