I know I have mentioned it before, but I really am a stereo typical pisces. I avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. Even if I’m hurting, more often than not I won’t bring it up with that someone. I don’t want to feel like a nag, like a pain. I also hate drama, I couldn’t think of anything worse than talking about or admitting how I feel. While I might be deeply emotional and feel every bit of happiness, sadness, up or down in both my own life and any one who’s close to me, the prospect of talking about my emotions, my relationships, my wants and my needs – basically anything to do with feelings – makes me feel physically and mentally uneasy.
There comes a point though when it all becomes too much. You can only swim in your self created sea for so long, before the sea feels more like a flood, and you realise you’re drowning.
After spending my Saturday night and Sunday morning with Trouble, today I have been flooded in more ways than one. Flooded by confusion, emotion, tears, anger and embarrassment.
Last night and this morning were lovely. Dinner, a movie, red wine between the sheets, cuddles, kisses, coffees and breakfasts…as nice as it was, it’s not normal for exes who aren’t discussing getting back together. Comforting yes, but healthy? No.
We have both agreed it’s time to talk – finally I hear you mutter under your breath – but when you’re heart, mind and soul are overflowing with floods from all directions, where do you begin? One minute I’m certain about what and how I’m thinking, feeling and wanting, the next, the tide has completely changed and I’m on the other side of the wave completely. I’m doing my best to resist the naturally strong urge to swim in the opposite direction but I fear that if I continue to let the tide pull me that way, the comfortable avoidance way, I may end up drowning in my own flood.
Time to take off the goggles, remove the floaties and take a deep breath.
Trouble and I need to talk.
distanced hearts club ♥