absence makes the heart grow…

November 2015

I’ve been in Istanbul for the last six days. The last time I saw Trouble was the Sunday/Monday combo which was as comforting and natural as the days are long. I was meant to see him the night before I left to have dinner and get my suitcase back from him  but in the end we decided not to bother as it would’ve involved a hefty hour commute from South West London to North London when I didn’t actually need the suitcase after all and he had an interview early the next morning. Since the change of plans, no communication has been made, by either of us.

Until today – when somehow, without my phone having internet access nor was I in wi-fi, an iMessage popped up;

Are you back yet?

Classic Trouble communication – man of many words! Given my lack of internet access I couldn’t reply, so I messaged back “Just landed :)” when the wheels of my BA 767 touched down on the tarmac at Heathrow. Within three or four minutes Trouble’s face flashed up on my screen – incoming call! Trouble being trouble, us being us, it’s always nice to see his face pop up, regardless. Accompanying me through the boring airport arrival process, Trouble basically called to chat really, to ask how the trip was and to update me on his job application and interviewing process. His over excited, chatty nature almost made me wonder….had he felt a similar absence that I had at our lack of communication over the last few days? The call was quickly cut off when I had to go through passport control – but I said I would call back once I was home. Would I?

Obvious really wasn’t it, I stuck to my word and called back. Granted, I was prompted by a ‘Hello?’ message – but still, I called back didn’t I. Although it may have bene obvious even to myself that I called back, what wasn’t obvious was that this phone call was going to end up being over two. hours. long!

It was like old times – eerily similar to our long distance relationship which survived purely on these types of phone calls. Even tonight, as always I talked to him about anything and everything – and about nothing. Our phone calls are more like we’re hanging out in the same room than they are like we’re calling for a purpose or reason. They’re comforting, easy, nice.

But there in lies the problem. I’m confused. Why, when and how did it all go so horribly wrong between us? He’s one of my best friends, one of my favourite people – not to mention one of the attractive men I have ever met. Dam it. Besides the incident and the previous battle with distance, he/we tick all the boxes – don’t we?!

Time to admit it – I hear you say… fine, I still have feelings for him, strong feelings. I just don’t know what they mean, or what I’m meant to do about them. I also don’t know how he feels. Perhaps I am genuinely just his friend.

I have always thought and somewhat believed that I am ok with this ‘friendship’ thing – am I?

If I have strong feelings for him and there is the chance that he actually meant what he said the other night about having strong feelings for me too – then are we, or can we be purely ‘friends’ ?

Are we ever going to live normal lives by being this close to an ex, an ex that neither of us are completely over?

But seriously, answers?!

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥


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