all in a name

October 2015

The day after our first night out, I was sitting on the couch nursing a hangover when a video came on MTV.  It was this very moment that he got his name. I just knew he was going to be Trouble.

I think, when it’s all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories which all come back…but he never does. I think a part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen….it’s not really anything he said or anything he did., it was the feeling that came along with it. and the crazy this is, I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved to fast and burned too bright but I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance, I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing me.

Trouble was instantly addictive. Something had me hooked the minute I laid eyes on him across the road, sitting there outside the Pita Pit. After our first night out, although I may have put my guard up and told everyone I wasn’t really that in to him, I felt high, he made me feel giddy. I was almost too attracted to him. I couldn’t believe he liked me. Despite all the warnings I was being issued about him and his past, I let our weekend drunken hook ups turn in to Monday nights in front of the tv, dinners with the family – heck even a long distance relationship. I knew pretty quickly that this kind of thing couldn’t and wouldn’t be sustainable, but I continued riding the wave of lust, love – whatever it was.

We all know how it worked out – surprisingly longer and more seriously than what I  had ever imagined, I genuinely thought I saw a future with him after a while – but still, we ended. It’s not that distance extinguished our flame but it wreaked havoc on our relationship. The multiple failed attempts at being together and being apart drowned our flame. We’re now struggling to keep afloat in the flood of confusion and new territory; friendship. It’s hard having him here, it’s a gentle reminder that we’re not together even when we’re in the same place. Sometimes you’ve chipped away at something too much leaving no solid base left to build on, just memories, feelings and an insanely strong connection.

I guess some things never change, some bonds you have with certain people always remain. I know we can’t be together, but he’s still the person who makes me smile the biggest, laugh the loudest and shine the brightest.

Damn. T-Swift nailed it.

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xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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