troublesome two

October 2015

So the trip to Cardiff didn’t quite play out as I thought it would. Initially, I had fears. Fears that it would be hard to be around Trouble, that I would feel humiliated, ashamed and that unrequited feelings would come flooding back – hopefully without the tears.

Turns out – I was right about feelings coming back, but they weren’t exactly unrequited and they only resurfaced because they were encouraged by my counterpart in this situation…

The instant Tweedles and I arrived at the bar to meet Trouble and others, I saw the sparkle in Troubles eyes and felt the sparkle in mine as our eyes met. Maybe it was the sight of each other in our nations rugby jerseys, maybe it was the build up, excitement and hype over the trip, maybe it was the one or two pre-drinks we’d both had before seeing each other – whatever it was, something instantly clicked.

As the night developed, I could feel him getting closer to me. Physically and emotionally. He didn’t sit with the boys for the game, he sat with me. He bought me food, he bought me drinks. He was flirting, he was complimenting me to the girls, he was taking selfies of us – and exclaiming how gorgeous the photo of us – he was even recounting all the selfies we have taken together in the past – our coupled up past. I felt our gazes becoming longer and more blush worthy and although we were in a group, I could feel us both isolating in to our own world -regardless of the fact that we were in a stadium of 70 odd thousand people.

We went out after the game, we were outside talking, with every other New Zealand fan and I could feel our bodies edging closer and closer together. And then – he was kissing me. Next thing I know, we’re back to our old selves, on the dance floor, dancing up a storm. Him lifting me up, spinning me around, dipping me down and us challenging each other with our moves. The magnetic attraction was undeniable, with our friends looking at us shaking their heads at us but smiling. Even my un-approving best friend admitted to not being able to ignore the infectious bond we have.

Unfortunately every single hotel we ran away to, to try and book a room in for the night, was fully booked due to the influx of out of town rugby fans, so we couldn’t take things any further than a night of incredibly fun dancing and kissing. Unfortunately ,this meant we ended up sleeping in the car together. Classy.

I knew it was trouble as soon as I walked in. Shame on me?

Yes. I’m annoyed I gave in, I’m annoyed he now knows I am still attracted to him. I knew it was coming too, I let him flirt with me from the very beginning of the night, I let him slip back in to his old role, I let him kiss me. And what I really wanted? Was to look strong, to show him that I had moved on, moved past us.

But you know what? I had fun, I had so much fun. Our attraction is magnetic, our chemistry is electric and I honestly think that it was bound to happen at some stage. One last night of flirting, dancing and kissing – to get it out of our systems. It hasn’t changed my mentality, I’m not sitting here hoping, expecting or wanting us to slowly begin working our way back together – not by any means.

Yes, I have feelings for the guy and to be honest? I probably always will. It’s just the nature of him and I. It’s what we’re like together. I know it needs to change, and slowly it is, but it was just like old times this weekend. I can’t turn back the clock and even if I could, I don’t think I would change anything – apart from perhaps having a few less Jager-bombs and not losing my entire make up bag and everything else I managed to ‘misplace’. Whoops.

So where to from here? Who knows. I’m not going to act any differently towards Trouble than I have been up until now. I need to keep my distance, re build the bricks of the wall that came crumbling down in Cardiff and I need to continue dating the Rugby Boy.

It is what it is.

We are a Troublesome Two.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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