the apology you never expected

September 2015

Trouble has arrived – and the fact that I wasn’t available to see him on night one didn’t go down so well. I didn’t even translate my “sorry, I have plans” to “I have a date” – regardless, just having plans got me a pretty shitty response. Whoops.

Day two of Troubles London life finds him messaging me again wanting to catch up. I apologise and explain I’m at London Fashion Weekend for the day for work. Again, he says he wants to see me and has no plans so can work around me. He’s not making it easy to stay away – is he?

He then sends me a message that almost makes me drop my beloved iPhone 6 clean on the floor of my fashion haven;

I would just really like to see you at some point. I feel as though I owe you an apology as well for how I left. I was a proper asshole and you didn’t deserve how I acted.

There’s something about the apology you never expected. I’m not sure it makes it any easier to receive, or even harder to process. I guess either way, an apology is better than no apology. An apology coming from Trouble however, is a completely different ball game. Not a common occurrence…I’m intrigued to say the least.

He visits me at Fashion Weekend, he views my work and congratulates me, telling me how proud he is of me. We head up the road to a pub for lunch in Chelsea, via some shopping on the infamous Kings Road. It’s just like old times. Instantly, he’s chatting a million miles an hour, he’s making jokes, he’s flirting and he’s being hugely touchy and affectionate. I keep my distance and resemble a stiff soldier when arms are around me and light touches are being made. I know the wall that I have worked so hard to build over the last few months, similar to that big old famous thing in China, needs to stay up – if one brick falls down – there’s serious potential for it to cause a domino effect. No one wants that, do they!

I can’t, and won’t, say hello to this behaviour risking yet another goodbye. Which we all know would be coming if I were to indulge.

Lunch is great,there’s many a mention of old times, of the very first time we met, of how he still finds me so hot. He asks about my parents, my health, my job. It truly does feel like he cares. I don’t actually doubt that he does care about me, it’s just the way he goes about some things. When it’s just him and I, it’s perfect, I can be his friend and I can feel attracted to him. But as soon as we’re outside of our own two-some bubble – I know it’s not reality.

We head back to mine to collect his stuff, and while we’re having coffee I broach the fact that I know about her, the Young Cousin, coming to London. He genuinely looks surprised, he claims he doesn’t know, claims they don’t talk anymore and wants to prove it to me by trying to show me their message trail. No thanks.

I don’t know if I believe him or not, to be honest I don’t care. It is what it is. He gives off the impression that he is not at all impressed by her arrival. I find myself nearly responding with “yeh, it’s annoying when your ex follows you to the other side of the world isn’t it?” but I bite my tongue.

Just before he leaves, we have the talk.

He apologises again, over and over. He explains the weird place he was in before he left; that he was pushing any form of problem, emotion and distraction away in order to focus on his one goal, travel. I told him that I completely understand that mentality, but unfortunately the way he went about it, has genuinely pushed me away. I then decide to tell him that the person he was in the months leading up to these travels, is not a person I want to be friends with. He hangs his head sheepishly, explaining that he just really wants us to be in each others lives, it was a complicated situation, how highly he regards me and has always seen me as more than just a girlfriend/ex girlfriend – as one of his closest and very best friends. I explain yes I agree, we were extremely close, that I have hardly been closer with anyone before but although today was great, what we had has been tampered with and we can’t just slip in to old times but now as just be best friends. He gives me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye, saying he hopes to meet up with me later in the night, if not in Cardiff next weekend. I close the door. I lean against it dumbfounded that that conversation just happened. That I was so strong and that he actually apologised.

I’ll admit it, the chemistry was rife, the friendship we have is fantastic and the history and memories we share are second to none. But it’s different now, it’s been broken. And as much as you can glue something back together, the cracks will always be there, somewhere, no matter how hard you try to see past them. The trust is gone, I don’t believe he showed me any respect in the last few months and even plain friendship require a solid base built on trust and respect.

The real test comes tomorrow, when we head off to Cardiff together for the trip I organised for him for his birthday #humiliated. Oh well, time to focus my energy on the All Blacks and their conquest to be 2015’s Rugby World Cup champions and not my ex boyfriend right?! Oh and perhaps further distracting myself by messaging the newcomer to the ‘bambi world of dating’ i.e. the Rugby Boy 😉

Where to from here for Trouble and I? Honestly, I have no idea. Can you ever really just be friends, best friends, with an ex?

tbc…

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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