the aftermath

July 2015

It’s been two weeks since Hurricane Trouble hit. How am I feeling?

† Ok
I’m actually doing really well. My life is pretty bloody cool here and I can’t forget that or let him affect it. What happened, happened, I just need to deal with it, process it and get on with it. I’m in a great place overall; I’m strong, independent, doing well in my career, I’m travelling and I’m making new friends – as well as having the best ones from home.

† Sad
I am just so sad. He was my favourite person in the world. He always made me laugh, he always made me smile, he was my best friend as well as the person who gave me butterflies. He’s no longer that person – he’s different. He’s upset me and he’s made me feel like a fool.

† Relieved
I honestly believe it’s better to know the outcome of a situation whether good or bad. It stops the waiting and the wondering – we all know ambiguity and purgatory when it comes to the heart are instant producers of a crazy woman. Crazy be gone! There’s now no question, no pressure and no hope when he returns – which naturally releases a lot of tension. I now know where we stand and I can move on, there’s no barrier stopping me from starting that process like there was before. Being in limbo is nothing short of exhausting. I’m drained enough from London life as it is, it’s actually really nice to take this pondering weight off my shoulders.

† Hurt
I truly thought I meant a whole lot more to him than this. I really did. I truly never thought he would hurt me – which hurts even more than the initial hurt.

† Excited
I’m in London, I’m single and I have nothing holding me back, no one to answer to and no one to wait for!

† Embarrassed
Shame! How stupid was I to ever think something could or would happen between us – or that ever meant something to him! Idiot!

† Annoyed
How dare he come over here just after I arrived? This is my new city, my new life – the audacity to make the decision to come here while i’m still finding my feet astounds me – let alone throwing this spanner in the works at the same time!

† Disappointed
We had something so special. We put so much effort, time and emotion in to the relationship we had in the situation we were in for two years – which to me, and not because I’m blinded by love, proves how special what we had is was. It’s such a shame that the strain of distance and the problems it caused extinguished the electric spark we had. I just wish we had had a proper chance.

† Regretful
I really wish I didn’t lose it the other night. What ever happened to the normal me; cool, calm and collected? Dam it! Why did I show how much I cared, how much I was hurting, how much he affected me? I wish I had never drunk as much as I did and let my emotions out as much as I did. Dam it.

So clearly I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions, but the cart has been rising and cruising around the top of the ride more than its been in the dropping down to the pits – and I’m quite proud of that. I think it’s partly because it’s been nearly two whole weeks since we last spoke. Nearly a record for us. And honestly? I’m liking it – it’s easier to pretend he doesn’t exist this way, especially when part of me wishes he didn’t exist on this side of the globe!

» Ding: Snapchat from Trouble; a selfie, lying in bed, with a sad face about his last night in Italy….

Is he telepathic? He always knows the right (/wrong) time to contact me. There goes breaking the no contact record. A cute, tanned, topless selfie – not the easiest way to pretend he doesn’t exist.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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