the head vs the heart

June 2015

Its been a few days since the blow out with Trouble. I honestly don’t know how I feel. On the whole, I’m actually ok. I didn’t think I would be as good as I am to be honest but right now I’m pretty proud of this splintered heart of mine! Sure there are moments that I think of him, of us, what we had and the fact that we’re about to be in the same place….it makes me almost feel a little sick in those moments to be perfectly honest and of course I am sad – but honestly? – I’ve had time to process it and I’m ok, better than ok, I’m pretty good. Yay – go me!

The part I’m struggling with is that I guess I would’ve liked a more open ending to the book. It’s almost like the purgatory that we have been in was bitter-sweet. While I have found it hard, the revelation of the predetermined end has shown me that I actually wanted this ambiguity. How can you know for sure, one way or the other, until you try or you see someone in person – and not just on your iPhone screen? How do you know how a story is at the end when you left things on page ‘summer’ so perfectly, you have been apart for so long and you have been in such a ridiculous situation for over two years…. but hey, perhaps it were just me that saw that as ambiguous – I personally don’t think the ambiguity was created entirely in my own head however? I guess I thought you couldn’t know, I just didn’t predict this to be the end of the Story of Us, like he has made out he kinda does. In all honesty, I couldn’t tell you what exactly I did see it as either – but I sure I didn’t see it as a beginning, or an end – just another un-played out chapter in the middle really.

If I look back on our relationship, the whole two and a quarter years since I met Trouble have almost resembled that of my favourite style books as a child growing up – those fun little pick-a-path’s. I used to love those books! (dreading to think what a psychologist would say about this insight…). The concoction of fear and excitement in the path you have just chosen…nothing could beat it in my tween years! Now I think about it, Trouble and my relationship has almost been scarily similar all this time. Maybe because none of the windy, tricky to navigate paths had lead to an end yet, I didn’t think this one was quite so closed yet either? With a connection like we had, for so long, in such a testing situation, I didn’t really think that our individual and different paths which have inevitably lead us to the same city, would result in the end of the book before we had even seen each other and worked out how we feel and what we want. That’s not how the book ends yet? Perhaps I was wrong. Clearly I was wrong?

Oh and the other thing I didn’t expect to be within the previous chapter? Her. The Young Cousin – as we’ll call her. I wasn’t naive, I never for a second thought that there would be celibacy – priest like or even just of the lips – hello, the new-found me can’t talk (ha!) – but I didn’t think there would be an actual ‘seeing each other’ plot twist being written right under my ignorance is bliss nose.

Of course as girls we all naturally dream of the happy ending…the fairy tale – and yes, I’d be lying if I were to say that the fairy tale ending wasn’t what the hopeless romantic in me idealistically ‘wanted’. But that’s my heart speaking – dreamily and in my own Piscean, fairy land. Not my head. My logical, sensible realistic head.

The reality is… I had my doubts too didn’t I? I mean I can’t exactly deny them – they’re on paper (/screen) right here in this very blog. The words “I don’t have the intention or expectation to come to London and get back together with you” really hurt my heart don’t get me wrong – but now that I have had a few days to cool off and speak to some friends, and even read past posts – I had actually been voicing similar concerns myself….so maybe I can’t hold his ideology against him entirely. Maybe we were/are on similar pages after all and it’s just the shock and the hurt of the vocalisation of it that is hurting!

It’s times like these where I know I need to think with my head, not my heart – time to be more like a man perhaps. My heart might ache – but it’s not broken. Looking back, it has been breaking slowly for this guy for a few years now, so I know I will be fine and I have survived worse. It’s time to pick my next path and see what happens over the next few months.

Even if this is the end of the story with Trouble story, it’s not the end of mine – just the beginning of a new chapter waiting to see what type of role Trouble will be playing in that – an old friend, or a new stranger. At least I no longer have to feel any guilt about the new, single ‘me’ – especially with summer on my London doorstep!

The scariest part is the Trouble will be in London tomorrow – tomorrow!!

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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