bad blood

June 2015

Trouble wakes up to my less than impressed texts and the many missed calls following the cards I’ve just been dealt – finding out he is seeing someone has hit me like a ton of bricks. He calls, and immediately after we say hello we’re yelling down the phone at each other.

Being the relaxed, dreamy Piscean fish that we are – a screaming match between us is not common. But this one lasts for an hour and a half – and boy is it heated. To be honest the 90 plus minutes of our fury match is a blur, but the main daggers thrown go something like this;

〉 I am seeing someone, I didn’t have to tell you
〉 I’m not moving to London for you, i’m moving for me
〉 I don’t have an intention or expectation to get to London and get back together with you or get a girlfriend
〉 I am going travelling for goodness sake, the last thing I want is girl problems
〉 We called off whatever we became over summer at the end of March because it was over and we weren’t working

〉 You are the player I was warned about – I was stupid to think that you had changed
〉 You clearly don’t have any respect for me
〉 Get over yourself, I don’t expect a relationship when you get here – and who says I even want one – I just wasn’t going to write off the possibility when distance has only ever been our problem
〉 I can’t believe I beat myself up so much about spending the night with Biggs flatmate
〉 A huge part of me doesn’t want you to move here and has been annoyed and angry at you since you booked your ticket

Not my finest hour, not his either to be fair. Funnily enough our conversation does not end well. It ends with him hanging up on me.

He calls back fifteen minutes later and we’re both instantly a lot calmer, we’re steering towards our more Piscean traits which is comforting. I hate fighting. We talk over a lot of the daggers that have just been thrown and actually I think he is a lot nicer to me than I am to him – even though I have been playing the victim in all of this….

〈 I didn’t tell you out of respect, I knew it would hurt your feelings and I didn’t see the point when I knew her and I had an expiry date, why tell you when it’s going to be over soon?
〈 You are so hugely important to me, you know how much you mean to me, everyone does
〈 I see you as a huge part of my London life – I can’t imagine being in London and not spending time with you
〈 I’m saying I don’t intend or expect to get back together with you but at the same time we did have something special
〈 Never say never
〈 You are so important to me. I know I can rely on you and you’re always there for me – that’s why I used you on my Visa, I thought you could be that person for me and I thought you would want to be that person – as I would be for you if the roles were reversed
〈 I keep in touch with you more than any one – more than the boys, more than my family – you know that. To me we’re closer than having to keep in touch daily, we’re at a place that we just know that everything is fine and will be fine even if we go a week without talking
〈 I have never felt like I have been hit with such a low blow as I just did when you said you’re annoyed and angry at me for coming to London. For the first time in the six months I have been planning my move, this is the first time I have not wanted to come

〈 You have really hurt me, my heart is a bit broken right now – I’m not saying I have expectations to be with you but I also know my feelings haven’t completely gone
〈 I’m sorry that a part of me is annoyed and angry at you for coming here – but of course there is a part of me who is happy and excited to see you and have you in the same place as me
〈 I guess my main priority now is to try and salvage this ‘friendship’ and work on that for now wile supporting you in your travel and your relocation
〈 You know how much you mean to be too, you’re one of my favourite people in the world. I will always be here for you to lean on if and when you need it – regardless of this fight

We get off the phone a lot calmer and more civil. I’m not happy though I’m quite distraught actually, I’m all over the show. So many things have been said, so many things have hurt us both – I don’t know who means what and what we regret saying.

I think a blow out like this was inevitable in such a messy, muddy situation.

We might both be Pisces but we both have the sting of a Scorpio and the roar of a Leo tonight – it’s been horrible – and I know in the morning i’m not going to be ok with the Bad Blood that has been drawn.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥


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