the wee hours

June, 2015

I can’t sleep, a million and one thoughts are running through my mind. All day weekend, I have felt paralysed by the fear of Trouble impending arrival in London.

My head is stuck on a dark, twisted Mary Poppins Merry-go-round that I can’t seem to get off. I’m fighting internally with my own mind… at 1am. Any female undoubtedly understand why I have given up hope that even counting sheep from my homeland will send me off in to the land of nod…

‘I don’t want this’
‘I don’t need this’
‘I’m fine on my own’
‘It’s easier on my own’
‘There’s no risk, there’s no potential to be hurt’
‘There may not be the same up’s but there are also not the same downs’
‘I don’t want to be hurt again. I can’t go through the hurt, again’

Talk about neurotic! Naturally – I pick up my phone….

Trouble: Hello??

bambi: Hi….

T: what time is it over there?

bambi: 1am…

T: why aren’t you sleeping… are you overthinking again?

bambi: yeh perhaps….we need to talk about if we’re going to catch up next week or not

T: uh….what, of course we are?

bambi: ok…um…so…I don’t know how I feel about catching up though. don’t really know how to explain how i’m feeling, but basically I feel weird….I’m scared

T: you’ve got to stop overthinking. don’t make a problem out of nothing. it doesn’t have to be scary!

bambi: yeh you’re right, I am overthinking

T: just don’t stress, of course I want to see you, I can’t make you see me but I want to see you. Don’t waste time and energy worrying about how we’re going to feel seeing each other, lets just see each other and work it out from there from there. We don’t have to put ourselves in a situation where we have to be too pressured about feelings resurfacing, we can do it in a group situation to begin with so we ease in to it. It will be fine, it will be fun – you have to be at the dinner. I have always shared my dates with you as I naturally assumed we would see each other – not so that you can flee the city!

bambi: I know, I do want to see you and of course I want to be there for you. I’m simply just scared, I hoped to be more excited than I am about you arriving. To be honest, I feel like I was able to run away over here…but now you’re going to be here too – it’s just weird. Things are so different now to how they were when we were last together

T: stop losing sleep about problems up that aren’t there, of course things are different than they were when we last saw each other; for starters it’s been 6 months, but also you’re now on the other side of the world and in a completely different time zone making it pretty dam hard to keep in contact 24/7 – yeh there have been periods where we haven’t spoken for a few days to a week, but just remember, I’m a boy, I’m useless but it doesn’t mean anything. Also, you’re the person I keep in touch with more than anyone back in NZ. Just relax. We don’t know what’s going to happen – but there’s no need to worry about it – lets deal with it when we get to it.
I’m not scary, I don’t bite – hard…

bambi: fine, ok I’ll be at the dinner

T: good, now go to sleep. I’ll talk to you later this week because I want your opinion and advice on things before I leave. Good night, and promise me you’ll get some bloody sleep and stop overthinking all of this you nutter!

The late night Viber chat sums him and I up perfectly really. He has a way of making my huge problems feel like nothing, he has a way of calming me, relaxing me and making me laugh. He always make things seem achievable, seem fun, seem exciting.

I’ve made my decision, I am going to see him. He’s right, it’s not scary – it is actually really exciting.

As a typical female, there is now something else keeping me stuck on the merry-go-round….what do I wear to dinner to with a man I adore who I haven’t seen for 6 months!


xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥


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