finding my single feet

May 2015

I’m not hearing from Trouble that often and although I miss him, I’m fine – I am. After years of long distance relationships I have gotten pretty used to independence – I’m really good at it actually. So this new life is great – i’m single in a new, vibrant, exciting city. I’m doing it all on my own, just me, myself and I. No boyfriend or ex boyfriend to complicate things – I think it’s about time I had a distraction – in male form.

Those who know me, know that the ‘dance floor pash’ just isn’t my style – yet on a messy Thursday night out with my frolleagues (colleagues who are friends…) I find myself kissing a Spanish guy on the dance floor – a multicoloured lit up dance floor I might add! The guy is a hottie too, my frolleagues are impressed – I’m in shock – regardless of how minor this is in their eyes, this is big for me. I ignore every single one of the ten messages he sends me the next day. Fun, but I was never going to actually see him again?

Saturday night has rolled around and I make plans with the Flossies to meet up with our friend Biggs and some of his fellow Kiwi’s in London. Quick family tree – Biggs is one of Troubles best friends – but more recently, has become my best friends, sisters, boyfriend. As the Flossies and I arrive, one of the guys catches my eye – we’ll call him No Name. We start talking, our chat revolving around the world-wide gossip that’s just hit – Bruce Jenner’s transgender announcement. The guy makes me laugh, really makes me laugh. My biggest weakness. We continue partying and he asks if a guy like him has a chance with a girl like me – I blush, giggle and struggle to respond. He asks if I’m single – sure am! He then tells me he is nervous around me…my frozen by distance heart flutters. Is this guy having a slight thawing effect on me?

I’m interested. I’m never interested. Interesting.

We see each other a few weeks later at a pub with a wider group. After a few drinks, he whispers in my ear that I look absolutely beautiful – that thawing flutter in my frozen heart happens again. We kiss. We all leave the pub and go back to No Name’s flat for an after party – the flat he shares with Biggs.

Great. The guy I’m interested in is flatmates with Troubles friend.

The couch that Trouble will be sleeping on when he first arrives in London, will be No Names couch.

I decide I need to tell No Name that I know Biggs through my ex, and that that ex is moving here in a matter of months. It doesn’t go down amazingly, but it doesn’t go down badly either. We kiss some more, alcohol and attention get the better of me and I stay the night. It’s a night of kissing, cuddling and laughing. In all honesty, this is exactly what the doctor ordered. This guy is real, he’s not just on the other end of the phone. Fun! I escape before 8am rolls around – I feel guilty to Trouble, really guilty. Not because of what I have done, but because of the connection. Is he going to find out? Have I just done something terrible? Have I made things awkward for him and his arrival to London? I’m beating myself up about it and I feel awful.

Wait a minute… I’m single, a nice guy paid me some attention, I had fun and I kissed him. I have done absolutely nothing wrong, why am I feeling so bad? It’s then that hits me – I’m so angry at Trouble.

I came here alone. We broke up because of my desire to move here. He had his chance and he didn’t want to come here for three or four years, knowing what that meant for us. Now I’m here, in London finding my feet – my single feet – quite well. Heck, extremely well! I’ve kissed two guys in a week – that’s more than I would normally kiss in a year! I finally meet someone who has interested me, makes me laugh and makes me smile – and I have to think twice about it? This is so unfair. I’m fuming at Trouble for coming here, I feel as though all it’s doing is making things more complicated for me. I shouldn’t have to feel as though I need to worry about my ex finding out about who I have kissed. I shouldn’t have to think twice about whether I can will see No Name again – if he asks that is. Just because Trouble has decided he is now coming here too, why should I have to change how I’m living my new life?

I’m really annoyed at Trouble for fast tracking his move to London. Really annoyed.

My leap. My move. My heart.

Not fair.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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