the dead end

October 2014

We broke up a few months back and although I’m pretty upset I know that for one journey to begin, I need the other to end. It’s a shame that it’s Trouble’s path that has become a dead-end – I really wish it didn’t have to – but our paths just are not aligning. Part of me is heartbroken, part of me is angry, part of me is excited. He could’ve made our paths align if he really wanted to I guess – but he didn’t have the balls to do it. I wanted to move to London, he didn’t. End of story.

End of us.

I miss him, I do. Of course I do. But it’s easier to pretend he doesn’t exist than to try to keep in touch all the time like we used to. I get a message from him while I’m in a meeting at work telling me he is coming home for a few days in a few weeks and that he would love to catch up. My stomach drops. I don’t want to see him. I know I’m not over him and I’m scared that seeing him could ruin how far I have come, or worse, could make me question my decision to move.

I said I would see him and he’s told me again that he is really keen to see me, but I’m still not sold on the idea. What’s the point? It can’t go anywhere but heartache. I’m still moving to London. He still isn’t…

Surprise surprise – we catch up the instant he lands in NZ. It’s great. We have dinner and I drop him off at the boys place for him to go away on the annual boys weekend he is over for – we both say we want to see each other on the one day he is back in Auckland before returning to Australia. I cry the whole drive home, I can’t believe I’m in this situation yet again – my love life is so god dam unfair!

I wake up in the morning to a message from Trouble – letting me know that he has found out about the one date I went on a few months back. At first I feel nervous that I have hurt him, but realise because it was the most short-lived ‘dating’ episode ever – there’s not really anything for him to know or find out! It was just a date and one drunken kiss. And I was single. And there is no chance of Trouble and I getting back together….we’re in a dead-end situation.

Oh how wrong I am.

Trouble absolutely loses the plot. He tells me he never wants to see me again, he never wants to speak to me again and he never wants to hear from me again. He tells me it makes it even worse that it was so long ago because that means it was closer to him and I ending.

Wow. If I was heartbroken before I don’t even know how to explain how hearing this feels.

For the next three days I try my hardest to apologise and explain that it was in a bid to get over him, that I never liked the guy and I only saw him two or three times. I also gently remind him that I haven’t cheated or done anything wrong. I am single.

I don’t know what changes but after days of his stubborn attitude he eventually comes around and in an extremely unfriendly and somewhat reluctant manner he invites me to his leaving dinner with his closest guy friends. I go to dinner and everything’s back to normal. We decide to go for a drink after dinner just the two of us but we end up getting ice cream and somehow we’re back at my house, lying on my bed, talking, laughing and cuddling. It’s perfect.

He even begins to tell me a bed time story – one of my favourite things that he used to do when I couldn’t sleep. Not only does he tell me a bedtime story, but he makes it pick a path – just like my childhood favourite style books. He is too adorable. We’re kissing, cuddling and laughing – we decide not to take things further as we don’t want to ruin a perfect night or make things messy. We care about each other too much.

The next day he visits me at work three times before leaving for the airport. We struggle to let go of the embrace we’re in saying goodbye while his brother is pulled over on the side of the road, indicator on, ready and waiting to drive him out there. By the time I’m back up at my desk, he has messaged me ‘I’ll see you in 9 weeks’ – I take it I will be seeing him at Christmas then.

As much as I adore this guy, this is stupid – on both our parts….our relationship is a complete and utter dead-end. I’m moving to the other side of the world in a few months.

He isn’t.

What are we doing? Why can’t we let go? This is so hard.

The end part of the of the dead-end seems to be nine weeks further away than I had initially anticipated.

lovers-lane-dead-end

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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