wake up call

December – January 2013/14

Trouble and I have been doing un-planned long distance for nearly six months when the Train Driver is rumoured to be coming home for Christmas. Although Trouble is amazing, the best long-distance counterpart I could ask for – the Train Driver still seems to have a hold over me as the news of his upcoming appearance at our friends annual christmas party is sending serious shockwaves through me; fear, excitement, hurt, sadness, happiness – everything really. It’s amazing how many different emotions one person can make you feel.

The night we’re at the Christmas party just so happens to be the night Trouble is landing back in NZ for his own Christmas visit – they may as well have been on the same darn flight. I know I should be staying sober so that I can drive to meet up with Trouble – but here I am, drunk and alone in the bathroom with the Train Driver. To be honest the conversation is the same as always; we miss each other, it’s weird seeing each other after so long, nothing with anyone else compares to what we had. He is slightly stunned at the 10 day moving on period between himself and Trouble – and even more stunned to hear that Trouble lives in the same city as him. No-one is more disturbed by that than I am I explain. He gets closer and closer to me as Trouble keeps ringing and texting me – asking what’s going on, where I am – rightfully so too. Why am I ignoring Trouble? Why am I not dying to get out of this bathroom to see him?

Christmas comes and goes – nothing happens between the Train Driver and I and Trouble and I really do have an incredible summer together. We spend New Years together and it’s beyond perfect, he spends time with my family and my recently engaged sister and brother-in-law-to-be – he even attends their engagement party and slots in perfectly, on time, looking gorgeous and doesn’t need me to be glued to my side at all times as he gets along with everyone and everyone adores him.

My oldest friend and her fiancé leave the party and on their way out she hugs me goodbye and says “You’re the best you with him around – and for that, I think he is wonderful”.

She’s right, Trouble is wonderful – I am so lucky. The inevitable goodbye comes when the summer holidays draw to a close and we’re as sad as we always are. The situation we seem to have wound up in really sucks. Long distance sucks. But we don’t seem to be able to break our bond so we make it work, tears, goodbyes and all.

The end of January rolls around and a friend from high school (my 1st 15 captain ex-boyfriend actually!) is getting married. The Train Driver is coming home for the wedding. I have plans to road trip up north with the third-party of our high school trio, and what do you know – so does the Train Driver. The three of us have a ball heading up north – its like the old days; we’re all laughs, fun and games. It’s comfortable, it’s what we all know all too well. Trouble doesn’t know that I’ve gone up north with my ex – nor does he know that none of us have accommodation booked or for our first night. Most of the way up towards the Bay of Islands the Train Driver and I are trying to sort something out and eventually find a two bedroom apartment at an extortionate last-minute rate. I find myself realising how odd it is that the two bedrooms will be split so differently to how they would normally have been over the last ten/eleven years. I will be enjoying the luxury of my own room while the two boys will be bunking in together – ha suckers!

After a BYO with the gang and a long talk moonlit talk alone (again… same story; no one compares, no one will ever understand what we had/have, he can’t believe what he threw away, he’ll never stop loving me or wondering what if….) – we all know that the new sleeping arrangement never quite happened. Why am I finding myself telling the Train Driver that Trouble and I aren’t really together – even though he is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met?

I know i’m not going to want to remember what happens tonight. I’m can tell I’m not going to be proud of it regardless of happens. The pure fact that I am ignoring Troubles call/s as I lay in bed talking to the Train Driver is something I know right now will haunt me for a very long time.

The Train Driver and I go out for breakfast the next morning after checking out of our one nights worth of last-minute accommodation. It’s awkward, actually really awkward, which doesn’t set things up nicely for the rest of the weekend and the wedding the next day.

The wedding is fine, he is good to me and holds the umbrella over me all afternoon; protecting my outfit – and my hair – from the disastrous torrential rain. Alcohol is being consumed at a rapid rate, which seems to be the catalyst for the decline his respect for me. I don’t really care what the reason or excuse behind his attitude and tone towards me is though to be honest; he is rude, he is arrogant and I can’t believe I am being so distant to my kind, caring, loving Trouble. I’m insoluble on the dance floor, so I walk myself back to my hotel room that I am now luckily sharing with a girl friend and put myself to bed, missing the end of the wedding.

I don’t see the Train Driver again that weekend, we head back to Auckland without exchanging words, contact, anything. No goodbye, no I’m sorry, nothing.

As you will have already guessed, we’re back texting daily after a week or so of him heading back across the Tasman. I’m still not letting on how much of a ‘thing’ Trouble and I are….even though he is a horrible person and I know it. Why does he have such a hold on me? Even though he is across the ditch, and a bad person who is solely responsible for breaking my heart and treating me like dirt, I still can’t get him out of my mind or my heart.

He then starts messaging me about that night ….it’s then that it hits me. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that it wasn’t right and it wasn’t cool. What I didn’t see clearly till now, is that he doesn’t have a heart, a backbone or a grasp on the concept of karma. He doesn’t get that actually, that night and the way I was treated afterward hurt me; it broke yet another piece of my already glued back together heart. I know I have to really cut the contact – it’s not healthy, he isn’t a good person.

It was fine when we were messaging as friends. But reality check. He’s a guy I’ll never get over, as much as I can try. Are we ever going to be ‘friends’? Were we ever ‘friends?’. If he can’t be in my life as I want him to be, he needs to remain out of it.

I have  a wonderful guy in my life – who may match the Train Driver in geographical presence – or lack there of – but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, lovingly – he is there, he is present and he does everything he can to stay there.

Train Driver be gone – Trouble is far more of a man than you will ever be.

I am so proud of myself, I can’t believe how far I have come and how much I have changed. Maybe this weekend away was the wake-up call I needed – closure, in a roundabout way.

Now I just need to work through the guilt of the wedding weekend that Trouble doesn’t know about…

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥


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