love is blind-er

December 2012

I click on the envelope on my home screen my emails, shaking and feeling sick with nerves…I’m convinced he is about to tell me that he is seeing someone new,  that that is the reason for his distant approach lately…breathe, breathe, breathe…hurry up and open Gmail! At first glance I’m shocked at how long the email is, this must be serious, the Train Driver is a man of few words – and ever fewer words when it comes to putting them on paper / technology. Taking a deep breath, I begin reading…

I loved, literally loved, spending time with you when I was home for my birthday. I hated the fact that I had to leave and that I was going to miss you again….hence my ‘tough guy’ ‘I’m all good’ mentality and attitude towards you. I can’t detach my feelings for you and don’t want too. I still and will always have really strong feelings for you. I’m not trying to freak you out or play with your head or anything like that. Only you and I know how we truly feel towards each other. We have a pretty special bond. I cant help but think what could have been if I didn’t leave NZ, a career is fine but it wont fill the gap in my heart that you used to fill.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. The rest of the email is a blur, I only pick up words like regret, sorry, upset…until an entire line resonates, I read it over and over trying to let it sink in;

I’m just sick of closing up to you, so I’m pouring it all out here…I have always said and thought, and still think, that you will be the girl I’ll marry.

I’m speechless. I don’t know what to think, let alone how to construct a reply! So I text him instead, tell him I’m in shock and unsure what to say. He tells me it’s fine and doesn’t expect a reply, that he just wanted to tell me how he was feeling….we then decide to meet up when he gets home next week.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shocked in a bad way, I’m walking on air – hearing that the man I love/d is thinking of me, see’s me as the girl he wants to marry and regrets the way things have played out is nothing short of incredible. But from the last two break ups and the weird (but now explained) vibe since we last sae each other, my soft heart has really begun to toughen. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go down this path again – it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to sense the beginning of a pattern.  He still lives overseas – long distance has been so hard over the last year, how much longer do I have to put up with the situation? How much longer do I want to put up with it? Can I even put up with it again?

He lands in New Zealand and over he drives to my flat. Clearly I’m a sucker for punishment, when I open the door, I may as well be opening my heart to him – nothing has changed. We have an incredible Christmas and summer together, the only downfall being that we know what is coming. We drive out to the airport and say our goodbyes. A drive to the airport when you’re in a long distance relationship is either pure excitement or pure heartbreak; you’re either about to say hello or you’re about to say goodbye. Even the excitement of the hello is tinted with the disdain of the goodbye, as you know the end of your time together is that much closer – I’m not usually a cup half empty kinda girl, honestly – but when you’ve experienced a long distance relationship, you can’t help but see the cup realistically, for what it is – a pretty temporary, short-lived cup.

We spend the next two months apart trying to talk when the times work, around our lives, our jobs, our hobbies and the annoying three hour time difference – it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it still affects things. I feel the contact start to lessen, the I love you’s becoming further apart than the Tasman Sea was separating us. Naturally, I attempt to hold on even tighter. I’m clutching at every and any available straw – but I know what’s coming – that darn pattern is rearing its ugly head again.

I’m sitting at my desk, 5pm on a Thursday evening, three weeks in to a new job and I get a text from the Train Driver;

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be living in NZ for a few years yet, maybe we will get back together it he future, I’m not saying this is forever – but I can’t do a long distance relationship anymore.

For the third time my heart is broken, this was a different broken though, a final break. The last strand had snapped – I couldn’t even find the fight in me.

Sometimes love isn’t enough.

xo bambi

distanced hearts club ♥

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